My Apologies, My Darling
by Just A Penniless Writer
Summary: Lucius relates exactly what has been going on all these years. Hermione is very scared. Practically a parody. LMHG.


**My Apologies, My Darling**  
_Just A Penniless Writer_

**_Disclaimer:_** All recognizable characters and elements from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.  
**_Author's Plea:_** One-shot. Barely edited. No offense intended. Just… snorting for kicks. Slight HBP spoilers, if you can even consider it such. Could just be conjecture. Heh... Enjoy if you can.

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"Ah, Hermione, my sweet, I was looking for you. You see, I no longer care much that you have tainted blood. I've seen the light, as it were, and it is shining from your delicious breasts. Now I simply must have you. I'm rather possessive." 

Hermione stopped organizing her desk and sent her husband a wary look.

"What nonsense are you speaking, Lucius?" she asked hesitantly.

"My darling, I merely wanted to apologize for all that horrid business with the Death Eaters. You must understand, I didn't mean anything by it. I was merely caught in a bad situation. Those curses I sent at you, those weren't meant to hurt you. And I had no notion the diary I snuck to the Weasley girl would attempt genocide."

She slowly rose from her chair and approached Lucius with caution. After all, once wizards went off their rocker, they could be dangerous.

"At the very least," he continued undaunted while leering at the ink smudge that had the impropriety to grace her neck. "I did make up for my misdeeds by providing information that I had all along. That it saved assets and procured my freedom meant nothing. I did it all for the Cause. Because Good is good."

Her hand slowly lifted to his forehead, but she could detect no fever. Surreptitiously, she found her wand and began a few diagnostic spells.

"It saddens me that society still feels it has a right hate me. Doesn't giving information at the end of the war constitute redemption? Regardless, I did see it fit to marry a Mudblood despite several decades of rather vocal protestations against their continued right to exist. Surely I will be forgiven for giving in to my undying love?"

The diagnostic spells only picked up an increased heartbeat, but that was entirely normal. That gleeful little glint in his eyes would be regular had it been a successful business venture or bribe rather than this tripe he was speaking of.

"Lucius, please… you're frightening me," she pleaded.

"But, my doll, I have changed my Evil ways! Now I am merely an obnoxious and devilishly attractive older man with a Dark past. You have absolutely nothing to be afraid of, my pet! I would never betray you like I did my maniacal lord, or, for that matter, my wife and son. After all, my son attempted to kill someone and plotted to unleash Evil in your school. He is obviously beyond redemption. He can't even provide any information."

"Narcissa divorced you, Draco lives quite happily in London, and the war has been over for a decade, Lucius. Please stop this."

"But, my lovely little Mudblood, surely you understand how your bushy hair and bossiness spurred me on to risk my life to save you and prove my affection. What must I do to prove my intentions?"

"Lucius, please. I do not know what you hope to achieve from this, but it scares the Merlin out of me."

"My dear, please forgive me for making you a pariah as well. At least we have Severus to keep us company when we are kept from attending Ministry functions."

"We just attended a Ministry fundraiser last week. Now quit it. I have work."

"But doesn't my smirk compel you forget our tragic past and spontaneously be intimate in multiple positions that require extreme flexibility?"

"Continue scaring me like this, and I'll allow your Gringotts Record of Bribe Money to be read by Mad-Eye Moody."

Instantly the soft expression that had, curiously enough, made him look older vanished. In its stead was the trademark harshness she loved.

"You should read the drivel they are printing about me in _Witch Weekly_ lately. I would sue them for libel if it would do any good," he said snidely as he placed a rather abused magazine on her desk. "Really, who do they think I am?"

Hermione smiled with relief. Her conniving, obsessive, and maliciously opportunistic husband was back. Really, this was much more attractive.

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End file.
